The oft-undiscussed perks of being single

Our culture often deems being single as “the natural state” and being in a relationship as “advanced state.” Pro-romancers trot out all these arguments like “cuddling,” “God made us that way,” and “tax benefits” as proof that being in a relationship is way better than not being in one.

Hold on there, pardner. There are some serious benefits to being single that often go undiscussed. I feel it is my duty to remind of several joys of singleness that go away when you “become one with another person.”

The Perks of Singleness

1. Be as much of a slob or a neat freak as you want.

Those on the cleanly end of things, enjoy neatly organizing all the stuff in your lives now. Your honey is probably going to get their messy stuff all up in your business. And don’t think that you’re going to be able to dress in front of the dryer forever; when you’re married, you’re actually going to have to take the clothes out of the dryer, dudes. Sucks, right? Enjoy it now.

1. Eat what you want, whenever you want.

The rest of your life’s eating decisions will look something like this:

Spouse 1: “Where do you want to eat?”

Spouse 2: “I don’t know, where do you want to eat?”

Spouse 1: “How about Taco Bell?”

Spouse 2: “We always eat there.”

Spouse 1: “Then where?”

Spouse 2: “I don’t know.”

(note: you will probably end up at Taco Bell, but Spouse 2 will be miffed)

1. Go wherever you want, whenever you want. Feel like bailing for the weekend? Do it, singlemeister! You don’t have to tell anyone!
2. Blow off whomever you want, whenever you want.

Don’t feel like hanging out with a friend? Call and cancel. Don’t feel like hanging out with your wife? …not so simple.

1. Make snap decisions.

Married person looking at a fast car: “What will my spouse think?”

Single person looking at a fast car: “Does this come in red?”

1. Make strange decisions.

Friend: “Bro, let’s go do something.”

Single Person: “It’s two in the morning on a Thursday.”

Friend: “Yeah, so?”

Single Person: “…I’m getting my shoes on.”

1. Flirting with multiple people.

It’s fun.

1. Spend lots of money on hobbies.

One hundred dollars to a single person equals three movies with popcorn, three CDs, and a concert with souvenir tee. A Benjamin to a married person is part of an insurance payment.

1. Spend lots of time on hobbies.

Spring break with the wife: chillin’.

Spring break with the bros: March Madness.

1. Be free to do whatever it is you want to do.

See the world! Bum around the country on bicycle! Live in a box on the South Oval to see if it would work! Go for your goals at full speed with all your energy! Be a poor, starving artist! Be a poor, starving med student!

So next time someone brings up talk of “sex,” “emotional intimacy,” and “really good back rubs,” remember that folding clothes is way overrated and might not be a good trade-off.