July 2009

But who can say where the heart resides
or why emotions sway?

Who can know why we know what we know
when all else we learn goes astray?

This place was a shelter I gladly ran to
I looked forward to its confines.

Now that I’m older I’m stretching the limits
of what, exactly, it holds

I grew and I formed, all was what I asked for
But I’ve asked myself into a hole

I’ve gotten so big that the land I am in
is no longer where I can roam.

I no longer fit, I am trapped, I’ll admit
that a cage is a curse, not a blessing.

And until I get out, I will thrash all about
destroying the things that I loved.

So for all the good in me and all the good out
I’m taking my leave of this place.

I love it, I’ll miss it, but I am too big
They’ve grown me right out of this place

I can’t be where I am without where I was
in this letter there is no such malice

I loved thee with passion I thought would not cool
I never thought there any better.

I still love thee dearly and fight (very clearly)
a selfish desire to stay

But God is convicting, it’s time for evicting.
I must leave, though heart begs I stay.

With God as my witness, I’ve got other business
(please honor such boldness, I pray).

There are words in my head and a song on my tongue
like Bradley, a Midwestern poet.

It’s cold and it’s scary out there all alone
But Jesus, God/man, understands it.

I see others coming to take what I started.
Some places I pass the baton.

The landscape is shifting, new clouds inward drifting
The creek will always inch on.

My head bumps the ceiling, but I’m only kneeling
I can’t and won’t do this alone.

My soul full to bursting, small joys and sleet sorrow
I walk out of here, on my own.

I’m working through some big thoughts to post soon, but while I mess around and organize those through the Lord’s provision, I’ll update you on what’s zappenin’ in my work life.

1. Once Found Letters has reached a point that I am happy with: two Christians honestly sharing life through letters. The last two or three letters have been incredibly interesting to me (as a reader) and a blessing (as a writer/correspondent).

2. I have about 7,000 words of my novel about the rock band written. I’m putting it on hold till I get back to Norman for the reason I’m about to tell you.

3. My friend Peter Myers and I have started work on a fantasy book. We love fantasy, and we’ve created a world that we really enjoy. It’ll fall more on the Avatar side of fantasy than the Lord of the Rings side of fantasy; also, steampunk is in there too. We’re really excited about it. I’ve been dedicating a lot of my thought time to creating that world, which we are calling Chalfir Ewenn. That’s not the book name, don’t worry.

4. Independent Clauses is rolling. I have to get back and decide exactly what direction I want IC to go in; I would really like to improve it, but I’d need to dedicate more time to it. Perhaps we’ll upgrade a writer or two…maybe we’ll find someone new. Who knows?

5. My brackets project with Brian Burns and my book on dating with Briana Johnson are on hold right now. Brian and I haven’t been in the same place to make brackets; Briana and I haven’t gotten the notes we wrote committed to the computer yet.

6. I’ve got two and a half weeks left at New Life Ranch; I’ll be back in Norman (and posting daily again on GITV) on August 17.

7. The book of essays I finished last semester (“Why God Why and Other Minor Spiritual Difficulties”) is ready to send out to agents; I’ll have to dedicate some time to researching and sending out the book. I’m already moving past some of the thoughts I wrote in January; then again, I’m running up against many of the same problems and coming up with the same solutions. It’s a dance, this life.

8. I’ll be writing a blog about music on OU’s website coming up this semester. I’m getting excited about that. No opinion columns this year; I’m retired from speaking about politics. I think about them; I just refuse to talk about them. I have more important problems than taxes (namely, people’s souls).

That’s what I’ve been working on. Also, I’ve been reading a bunch. I finished “The Yiddish Policemen’s Union” by Michael Chabon, which was inspiring in many ways. I also finished “Blink of an Eye” by Ted Dekker, which was freaking legit up to the last thirty pages, in which I felt like there was a bit of Deus Ex Machina going on. But then again, that was kinda the point of the book. Still, I was disappointed in the ending. I picked up “Skin” (also by Dekker; the guy across the room has a veritable Dekker library on his shelf), but it’s not pleasing me as much. I hate reading about death.

Also interesting, I read “Life of the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen, and I was inspired spiritually. He seems to have a direct line into my soul, saying the things I wish I could say. I read through “Roaring Lambs,” and I’m trying to process how that works into my life goal. I could write a whole post on that, so I’ll leave that for later.

I’m devouring “Messy Spirituality” by Mike Yaconelli; it’s got a lot of hopeful things written in it. It makes Christianity seem not so much like a soul-crushing venture and more like a hopeful, loving venture (as I suspect Jesus would like it to be). He also has some odd words for Christians that aren’t often heard, and I enjoy it. Of the Christian books I’ve read, that one is the one I’m most excited about giving to my friends. Gotta buy it first, though.

Listening to: “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa” by Vampire Weekend, The Things You Carry by Austin Stahl, Cake’s discography, and “Despite What You’ve Been Told” by Two Gallants, and “Bruises” by Chairlift.

I loves you all.

Will we ever arrive? Or will we always be in motion, always wanting to get somewhere?

Relationship (whether it be dating, engaged or married) is not the cure for your loneliness. It’s an act of service to the other person. If you have chosen well, your girlfriend/fiance/spouse will feel the same, and it will have the effect of being a cure for loneliness. But if you try to take without giving, it’s not going to work.

I have to remind myself of this all the time. I’m doing it now, in fact.

So I’m in John Blair’s office, waiting for my next task. Andrew Goff walks in.

“Question,” he said.

“Answer, hopefully,” I said.

“Well it’s not really a question. I mean, I don’t know. Well…” His stammer covers a look of chagrin.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Well, I lost some Chacos. Have you seen any?”

I look at my feet. I look up, aware that my Chaco adventure might be ending much sooner than I thought.

“Are they the ones that are on my feet right now?”

He looks down at my feet.

“Uh, yeah…where did you find them?”

So, I gave him back his Chacos. I don’t know how he missed the two announcements I made about them, but he did. So he has his shoes back and I have my sneakers on. They feel good.

Verdict: I definitely would not pay eighty dollars for Chacos. I most likely would not pay forty dollars for Chacos (staff price). If there were Chacos at a garage sale in my size for fifteen bucks or less, I’d probably buy them. Wash them profusely, for sure, but then I’d wear them as water shoes and hiking shoes. But not running shoes. No sir.

Notes on the Chaco experience:

1. Running: bad times. Clunky and awkward. Also, more susceptible to the evil “rock in the Chaco” syndrome, which causes leaping, jumping, and, if one is not careful, cursing.

2. Being in water: useful.

3. Smell: terrible.

4. Heat of foot: not noticeably different. Breeze on feet was weird.

5. Rubbing: has started. I’m told I need to build up calluses. The last time I built up a callus to enjoy something was playing bass guitar. I don’t see Chacos in the category of “things for which I will suffer temporary pain in exchange for long-term gain.” I do, however, fit rock’n'roll in there.

6. Not wearing socks: awesome. I got up to look for socks, then realized I didn’t have to. Legit. Saved me some time and some momentary frustration.

Best pro: no socks, for sure.
Worst con: I swear, if I get one more rock in my Chaco, I’m throwing them off the roof of historic Wagon Inn.

This is my fourth full summer at New Life Ranch, and my 13th straight summer being associated with the Ranch in one way or another. I’ve fully immersed myself in the culture; the Summer Camp Coordinator has called me “the unofficial historian” of the Ranch.

Yet I have held out in one aspect: I don’t wear Chacos. I have a list of reasons why I don’t wear the sandal, but it’s irrelevant now. It’s hard to be open-minded about something when you go in with a list of reasons you’re going to hate it, and since I’m spending a week test-driving a pair of Chacos, I have to be cleared of all my prejudice to judge fairly.

Yes, after four years of being an outspoken opponent of Chacos, I found a pair to try out (for free). Someone left them here, so I washed them and put them on. I started at five o’clock yesterday, and I’m going to wear them until Friday evening, when I have a rehearsal dinner to go to. Woo!

I’ll be posting my thoughts after every twenty-four hour period. So you’ll hear about my Friday and Monday tomorrow, then my Monday/Tuesday on Wednesday, and so forth. Get so excited.

I hate the feeling of wanting to say something and not being able to say what it is you want to say. Whether to not cause drama, or because it’s not my place to speak up, or any other number of reasons, it is incredibly frustrating when you want to get something out there and you just can’t.

Sometimes it’s an even deeper longing than that. Right now I want to say something, but I don’t know what it is. I know partially what it is, but it’s not finished yet. I’m stuck in the middle, between problem and solution. I’m between recognition of the problem and resolution of the problem. I’m waiting for an aha! moment or a slow realization so I can understand the solution. The rest of the solution, that is. There are parts of it that I know.

And that’s the hardest part: parts of it. I thoroughly understand some parts of the situation, but not all of them. And I want to understand all of them so that I can get it. But that’s where the aha or the slow realization comes in. And all I can do is wait, really. Waiting on the Lord is not as uncomplicated as it sounds.

So, I’ve started work on my first novel. It’s tentatively called “The Last Unicorns on Earth,” and it’s about a rock band (named “The Last Unicorns on Earth”) that is breaking up. It’s a coming-of-age/romance story. Its audience is young adults who love music. Woo!

I’m writing on breaks and in short little bursts. The story comes tumbling out, which is good. I’ll keep you all posted on the goings of it.