November 2009

I must confess that while I could only get through fifty pages at a time in the first five chapters, I knocked out over one hundred in one sitting last night. Why? Because, inexplicably, the book became entertaining. Actually, not inexplicably, because I’m about to explain it to you. But definitely unexpectedly.

1. Stephanie Meyer decided that stuff was finally going to happen in her book. Whoa. Action sequences? Shut up. No, for real. Seriously? Wow. But… No. For real. Oh. Okay. His eyes were cold.

2. While she puts action in her book that makes me turn the pages, she manages to do it in incredibly uncomfortable ways. She also makes Bella look like an idiot and an uber-damsel in distress. They go to La Push, and Bella falls over, then tries awkwardly to flirt with Jacob. When they go to Port Angeles, she nearly gets raped because she gets lost by herself in a town so small I’ve never heard of it (and I used to read geography books for fun). I hope the town is fake so that I don’t feel like my intelligence as a reader has been violated.

3. Nobody told me werewolves played such a large part in Twilight. I absolutely love werewolves. When Jacob basically straight-up says, “I’m a werewolf, neener neener neener,” I got super-excited. And then they left La Push with no struggle and I was depressed. GO BACK THERE QUICKLY.

4. Characterization continues to be anemic. Mike inexplicably (truly, this time) switches his obsession from Bella to Jessica. What? Edward continues to have more mood swings than the world’s largest playground. Bella continues to be atrocious at life. But, Jacob is a fascinating character, because Stephanie Meyer introduces him, tantalizes us with limited information, then takes him away from us. Good move, Ms. Meyer. Good move.

5. The conversations between Bella and Edward are getting unbearably clunky. If she doesn’t stop describing his face every time he says anything, I’m going to scream. I don’t need to be told everything. I have a brain. I can read the dialogue (that is, if you wrote it well) and know what his face looks like. That being said, I was kind of impressed with the “Guess what? I’m a blood-sucking killing machine! Do you still like me?” conversation. It seemed realistic to what I would imagine would happen if my girlfriend turned out to be a vampire (note: I’m not sure if having a vampire for a significant other would actually be cool or not). So. Stop teleprompting everything and trust your reader, Ms. Meyer.

I’d say these chapters were an improvement over the first.

So, I’m finally reading Twilight. I have wanted to do this for a while. Originally I wanted to get it out of the way so I could bash it without reservation. After a while, my interest morphed into a desire to see what could be so attractive to female readers the world over. Now I just want to know how to write a book that will sell an infinite number of copies.

So, having procured a book from a friend’s personal collection (Lindsey Brewer, thanks!), I set myself to the task of reading it. I did not intend to structure the reading, but I have read it twice and finished approximately fifty pages each time (I am on page 110 as of this post). I have a few thoughts, as I have been wont to do.

1. Stephanie Meyer is not as terrible as an author as I have maligned her as. She uses real words and even sets scene. Hemingway she’s not, but it’s not drivel.

2. Stephanie Meyer has created characters that are almost impossibly bad. Bella is atrocious (reprehensible, even) at everything in life other than reading and thinking. This is absurd. Edward has double-digit mood swings in a single conversation. Mike has one facet: he’s obsessed with Bella. Her father doesn’t even really exist. The rest of the characters are space-fills. They bring nothing to the story.

3. Stephanie Meyer, I get it. Edward is the most attractive human-esque being to ever walk the face of the earth (why they cast Robert Pattinson in the role of “most beautiful person on Earth” is beyond me, but that’s a different post). In fact, he is abnormally, freakishly, unnecessarily, wonderfully, astonishingly, holy-crap-holy-crap-holy-crap beautiful. PLEASE STOP TELLING US THIS EVERY TIME HE APPEARS. Thank you.

4. Edward is the type of guy that I tell my female friends not to date. He’s creepy, possessive, lying, secretive, somewhat verbally abusive (!), doesn’t take into consideration anything Bella says before he does stuff with and to her (!!), and is taking her to Seattle whenever I read it again (!!!).  In fact, if I acted like this, I would get broken up with (and my best friend would probably punch me in the face for treating a beautiful woman so terribly). But, for some reason, this is attractive in Edward Cullen.

5. I will give her one credit; if I hadn’t known that the Cullens are vampires, I wouldn’t have been tipped off yet. I would have been weirded out by the van-destroying incident (and I’m still slightly angry, because I had one of those vans) and intrigued by the eye-color changing, but I would not have guessed it yet, I don’t think. So, props to good concealing.

I’ll keep you all posted as I continue.